How to Launch a Teen: Backward Planning

A goal without a plan is just a wish. (Antoine de Saint-Exupery)

I was in my mid-20s when, having left university without a degree, I got a job with a psychology group practice and had the opportunity to become a certified stress management trainer. As part of the process, I created my first Five Year Plan. Through the implementation of that plan, I was able to complete my Bachelor's degree and enter a Masters program in counseling psychology.

I like to develop a Five Year Plan using backward planning. I start with the goal and work backward. Here are a series of questions that I find helpful:

• What has to happen in order for the goal to be reached?  At this point, you aren't thinking about how long a particular action will take or when it needs to happen or the sequence in which you will do things.  This is a brainstorming session.  You should spend about 30 minutes coming up with as many actions that need to be performed for you to reach the selected goal.  Now keep the list available over the next few days and add any other ideas that come to you.
• Do any of these things have to be done so that other things can happen?  It is helpful to transfer all your ideas to individual index cards and sort them in chronological order along the various chains of events that will surface from your action list.  You will probably find gaps and need to add to the list.
• Of the things on your list, what needs to be done in the 5th year?  The 4th?  Continue working backward until you get to an action list for the upcoming year.

How to Launch a Teen: PotentiaLists

I was going to have you jump in and start composing your Five Year Plan.  But I thought I would describe how life's developmental stages influence a person's goals.  The best way to do this is to do the last few PotentiaLists myself.  (Yes, PotentiaLists:  the lists we generate during How to Launch a Teen.) 

With total disregard for what anyone else hopes for me or wants me to do, create a description of what I would like my life to look like in 20 years.  Begin by defining the personal philosophy and core values that influence the person I hope to be and what I hope to achieve.

I am fortunate to be generally happy with who I am and confident that I can accomplish things I really want to do.  I am usually content with my life and experience frequent joy.  I hope to keep these aspects of myself as I enter late adulthood and old age.  Erik Erikson described developmental phases in life and what could be expected in terms of self growth.  I am coming to the end of what he described as middle adulthood, a time of meaningful work and transmitting values to the next generation and entering late adulthood (old age), a time to consolidate wisdom and look back over my life and the contributions I've made.  I have learned not to regret my choices very much, I think largely because I love my life and wouldn't want to change it.  But I will be tempted to focus on what I see as failures.  I also know this is a time when I can expect decreased health and energy, increased pain, and fewer work choices.  But it important to me that I remain active.

Brainstorm and come up with as many goals in each category I have identified as important.

Fitness:  I would like to be alive, active, and reasonably healthy, both physically and mentally. 
Personal Identity:  I want to be liked by people who know me and to continue being flexible in my outlook and comfortable with myself.
Family:  I would like to have houses for all of my children and their families right here on Trippy Roads Ranch, and all of you living here and working locally, or online, in careers you love.  I think it would be nice if you and I had a tradition of annual mother-daughter vacations, even if only for a few days.
Financial:  I would like to have the mortgage paid off on the property and all of our debts paid.  I'd like to be able to help my children build houses of their own.  I don't want to be a financial burden to my children, so I will need more savings.
Community:  I want to be known in the local community, for what I'm not sure.  I want to have a few good friends. 
Career:  If I'm working, I'd like to be writing.
Creativity, Hobbies, and Free Time:  The house and garden should be finished by now, so that all I have to do is putter about, planting in the springtime, weeding in the summer, and harvesting in the fall.  I will still be reading 75 books a year, writing reviews, and communicating with an online book club.

Clearly, many of these would not be the goals of a teenager.

Select three things I can accomplish in the next five years that will make a positive contribution to that picture of my future self.

1. Stop smoking.
2. Finish the general layout of beds and paths in the garden.
3. Provide Sarah with whatever assistance I can to help her reach her career goals.

How to Launch a Teen: Pick Three Things

"Would you tell me which way I ought to go from here?" asked Alice.
"That depends a good deal on where you want to get," said the Cat.
"I really don't care where," replied Alice.
"Then it doesn't much matter which way you go," said the Cat.
(Lewis Carroll, 1865, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland)

Now that you spent some time thinking about where you want to be in 20 years, select three things you can accomplish in the next five years that will make a positive contribution to that picture of your future self.  You might choose (1) learn to tango, (2) enter the workforce, and (3) dye your hair a different color of the rainbow each year.  Or, as you approach your 22nd birthday, do you want to have (1) completed a Bachelor's degree, (2) entered a film competition, and (3) saved enough money to spend a month in Europe?  Pick any three things, but try to make sure they don't conflict with one another.  It will help if you select from different areas of your life:  artistic, attitude, career, education, experience, family, financial, health, hobbies, material wealth, pleasure, professional, public service / community, recognition, relationships, travel, other outrageous and fabulous stuff.

How to Launch a Teen: Goal Identification

Man is a goal seeking animal. His life only has meaning if he is reaching out and striving for his goals. (Aristotle) 

Setting goals starts with visualizing what you would like your life to be.  Life goals should be as broad as possible, covering the spectrum of your interests and desires:  family and relationships, community, personal identity, education, career, creativity, physical fitness, hobbies and free time.  With total disregard for what anyone else hopes for you or wants you to do, create a description of what you would like your life to look like in 20 years. Begin by defining the personal philosophy and core values that influence the person you hope to be and what you hope to achieve.  Then brainstorm and come up with as many goals in each category you have identified as important.  Be as detailed as possible without having to commit to who you will marry or when, or what particular career you might have, or how old you would like your children to be. 

How to Launch a Teen: Comparing Time Usage to Goals

After our unsuccessful look around Kaitaia in search of journals, I thought I'd go online and find a few for you to look at.  Amazing lack of luck so far.  I crashed the Smiggle site, but maybe when you read this it will be working.  Whitcoull's is obviously still experiencing growing pains and it's website is useless compared to other online bookstores.  I was able to run a few searches that returned journals, here and here and here (and one for me).  You might like this one.  Or one of these at Warehouse Stationery.  This seller on trademe has some, but it's rather a pain to browse because you have to click on each one to see a picture.

I am off to a slow start in my attempt to collect data my Actual Days.  For more than half my life I have used a page-a-day diary to do this (well, when I worked, I used a two-page-a-day diary), and this year I didn't buy one for myself.  (Another contributor to my current time stress?)  I should have bought one on Friday. 

So while I take a step back and do some preparation, I thought we could talk about goals.  One of the factors we consider when we decide how to use our time is whether or not an activity supports our goals.  Here are some of the goals hidden in my Ideal Day:

• Read 75 books in 2011.
• Make Trippy Roads Ranch a place that can support the family, if necessary, and be a place we can all enjoy.
• Organze and decorate the house so that it is a relaxed and pleasant place to live.
• Offer adequate support to help you complete college and start university study.
• Offer adequate support to help Jason in his transition from intermediate school to college.
• Offer adequate support to help Jordan in her transition from full-time mom to something else.
• Maintain accurate and current financial records for the business.
• Help Dad rebrand the business.
• Launch a late-life career for myself as a writer / life coach (or something).
• Still be happily married to Dad at the end of it.

What goals are supported by the activities in your Ideal Day?

How to Launch a Teen: Identifying Time Stress

Two days ago I talked a bit about routines.  Before we moved to Trippy Roads Ranch, you had a solid routine for getting to school every day. You got up and did the things you needed to do to get to school on time. Your weekday hinged on the success or failure of that routine. In the same way, you arranged your study time in such a way that you were able to consistently achieve academic goals.  I recognize that you already have skills at building routines.  This is an aspect of time management that we might come back to another time if you experience time stress when incorporating a job into your schedule or when you return to a school-imposed schedule.

Before that, we had a look at my Average Day.  This is what my Ideal Day looks like:

	MOM'S IDEAL DAY
12am – 01am	Sleep
01am—02am	Sleep
02am—03am	Sleep
03am—04am	Sleep
04am—05am	Sleep
05am—06am	Sleep
06am—07am	Desk time
07am—08am	Get dressed and start housework
08am—09am	Desk time
09am—10am	30 minutes of gardening and more housework
10am—11am	Desk time
11am—12pm	More housework
12pm—01pm	Errands
01pm—02pm	More housework
02pm—03pm	Gardening or decorating project
03pm—04pm	More housework
04pm—05pm	Keeping up with Trippy Roads Ranch
05pm—06pm	Fix dinner
06pm—07pm	Dinner
07pm—08pm	Family time
08pm—09pm	Desk time
09pm—10pm	Read
10pm—11pm	Sleep
11pm—12am	Sleep

Totals:

Activity	Hours
Sleep	8.0
Desk Time	4.0
Housework	5.5
Keeping up with Trippy Roads Ranch	2.5
Family Time	1.0
Fix Dinner	1.0
Dinner	1.0
Read	1.0

How does my Ideal Day compare with yours?

If I compare my Ideal Day to how I estimated using my time on an Average Day, I see that I estimated spending less time on housework and keeping up with Trippy Roads Ranch and more time at my desk, with family, or reading than I would like.  (We both know that I actually don't want to spend less time with the family, but I would like less of my family time to involve the television.)

What does it look like if I break it down according to Dagfin Aas' categories? 

Time Use Category	Hours
Necessary Time (sleeping and dinner, plus (on average) an hour per day fixing dinner, showering, and getting dressed)	10.5
Contracted Time (about 1/3 of my desk time spent doing bookkeeping and filing)	1.5
Committed Time (housework and keeping up with Trippy Roads Ranch)	8
Free Time (reading and family time, plus the desk time that involves social media or writing projects like this one)	4

From this, we can gather that I would like to use more of my time on committed activities than I currently do.  In particular, I would give up free time doing whatever in favor of having more time to get the house clean, organized, and decorated and to do projects around Trippy Roads Ranch (like gardening).  I think that is a fair, if superficial, assessment of some of my personal sources of time stress.

How to Launch a Teen: Philosophies and Routines

Of course, it is sarcasm of the highest order to suggest that we began the process of launching you into adulthood just last Friday.  My hopes for you have always been joy, curiosity, a sense of adventure, and confidence.  But I also understood that children need, even crave, the knowledge that naptime comes after lunchtime.  Structure and routine, as much as trust and safety, provide a firm base from which to experiment with life. 

Instilling any type of routine was difficult after we found your dad.  His cycles of activity are consistent--conversation, work, meals, media, sleep--but he has no use for the world's self-imposed slavery to the clock.  As a result, you have been exposed to two different choices about how to be in the world.  One is task-oriented and sacrifices structure and predictability for availability and the whims of inspiration.  The other is routine-oriented and trades flexibility for efficiency and consistency.

The chief disadvantage of adopting Dad's philosophy toward time management is that most of the world doesn't operate that way.  Apart from creative types, researchers, and entrepreneurs who can work as they please, the world generally requires structure from us.  You have had an opportunity through this year's home schooling to experiment with more flexible routines for study.  Graduate studies at university is a similar experience.  Your preferences with regard to structuring your time is one of the characteristics you might want to consider when you make choices about future career paths.

But I digress. 

One of the books we Eastern-philosophy-dabbling children of the '70s read was Khalil Gibran's The Prophet.  This is the section On Children.

          Your children are not your children.

          They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.

          They come through you but not from you,

          And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

          You may give them your love but not your thoughts,

          For they have their own thoughts.

          You may house their bodies but not their souls,

          For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,

          which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.

          You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

          For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

          You are the bows from which your children

          as living arrows are sent forth.

          The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,

          and He bends you with His might

          that His arrows may go swift and far.

          Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;

          For even as He loves the arrow that flies,

          so He loves also the bow that is stable.

That's as close to my philosophy of parenting as I can describe....preparing for that moment when all that will be left for me to do is watch you soar.

I love you,
Mom