How to Launch a Teen: From the Doubt-Pushing Enabler

A few more days of information gathering on your part, and then we'll recap.

In the meantime, I've looked some more at Brad Sach's book. In the first chapter he establishes five categories (his word) of young adults: Progressing, Regrouping, Meandering, Recovering, and Floundering. He described the young adults in each of these categories with broad strokes, and rarely refers to them again in the remainder of the book. In Chapter 1, he identifies a number of developmental tasks for young adults:

• grieve because their childhood is over
• negotiate interdependent relationships with their support group
• establish an identity that is separate from their parents
• develop a personal philosophy
• overcome fears about leaving home
• create conflict with their parents
• engage in an internal dialogue about who they are
• learn to accept advice and assistance
• evaluate their self-management tools and learn new ones
• accept success and failure
• understand the relationship between freedom and responsibility
• learn to balance competing responsibilities
• further regulate emotions and behaviors
• expand their personal story to include being an independent, functional adult

I have a few problems with this book. First, the author doesn't offer any research supporting his ideas about launching children. No references at all. Everyone interested in the science of psychology will recognize my problem. Second, he abandons both the categories he establishes for describing the processes of young adults as they launch and the developmental tasks immediately after their introduction. Rather than using these as a structure for the remainder of the book, he meanders through a series of clinical anecdotes in which parents are consistently identified as disconnected, inflexible, overbearing, doubt-pushing enablers. Finally, I think the book would have benefitted from more structured questions and exercises related to the developmental tasks that were identified.

How to Launch a Teen: Loss of Free Time

As you continue to gather information about how you spend your time, I thought we could talk about humanity's relationship with time.  Theoretical physicist Sean Carroll sees time as an irreversible process. You can't put things back. The future cannot be remembered, and the past cannot be changed. Much like breaking an egg, raising a child. The arrow of time--that is what he calls our perception of time--has no basis in the underlying laws of physics. The future is not real until we create it. We humans are the time machines.

Time is so important to humans that, as a global society that can't seem to agree on much, we have included time in the International System of Units as one of only seven fundamental physical quantities. 

While the international base unit for length is the metre, the base unit for time is the second.  We like to break time up into little bitty pieces. 

Being able to measure time, whatever it is, has been an evolutionary advantage for humans and has made possible all of our agricultural endeavors. In the 21st century we continue to use time as a framework for our future plans, and we trade large sums of it (along with our knowledge, skill, and effort) for money.   

Yet our personal relationship with time can lead to unhelpful or negative experiences.  The use of time management, in combination with goal-setting, planning, prioritization, and self-regulatory skills, can reduce time-related distress and negative thinking. 

As you launch into life-after-high school, you are going to experience significant changes in how your available time is spent.  I flick through browser tabs selected from a Google of time use, passing through the International Association for Time Use Research at St. Mary's University, a business consulting firm selling stats from the American Time Use Survey.  (I wonder if the US Department of Labor knows about that?)  I discover the work of Dagfin Aas at Oxford University's Centre for Time Use Research,

Dagfin Aas (what an awesome name) proposes four categories of time use:  necessary time (eating, sleeping, bathing, exercising), contracted time (working, schooling), committed time (the productive chores of daily life like cooking, cleaning, and childcare), and free time.

In any phase of our lives, most of our time is spent in necessary functions.  For most children and teenagers, free time makes up the second largest use of time.  It makes sense to me that as young adults assume roles such as parent, employee, or university student, increases in contracted and committed time and the resulting loss of free time could create points of conflict in relationships and be a major source of stress during the launch.   So we'll watch out for that.

Love,
Mom

How to Launch a Teen: Time Tracking

Well done for working out your Average Day and thinking about what your Ideal Day would look like. Have a look at how they compare to one another. Is there anything that you want to do more of? Less of? Are there things you'd like to include in your day that you don't seem to have time for?

Time has been identified as a major source of emotional distress, along with situational stress, encounter stress, and anticipatory stress.  Time management is widely recognized as a fundamental skill for successful planning and as a tool for reducing time-related distress.  In part, the launch from adolescence to young adulthood requires you to make commitments about how you will spend your time in a way that may be very different from your previous experiences.

Before you can begin to manage your time, you have to know what you're doing with it.  You've already made some guesses about what your Average Day looks like.  Find out what really happens.  For the next few days, use this form to keep track of how you spend your time.  Each hour is likely filled with a large number of activities, so select some categories like "Gaming" or "Study" or "Socializing" to describe your major focus during that hour.

How to Launch a Teen: Imagine an Average Day

I was halfway through the introductory chapter of the book when I decided I wanted to know more about the author.  It turns out that Brad Sachs is an interesting man.  A graduate of Brown University, he maintains a clinical psychology practice in Maryland.  He writes and lectures, particularly in the area of family life.  He is widely interviewed by the media and also writes poetry and songs.  His books and CD are available at his web site. 

I search Google Scholar and find two scholarly publications.  One in Family Therapy discusses ways that therapists can overcome resistance to family therapy, particularly in working-class fathers.  The other, appearing in Contemporary Family Therapy, examines the use of systemic family therapy in an institutional setting.

Systemic family therapies focus on relationship patterns and dynamics rather than on an individual.  Systemic therapies are practical.  These therapies acknowledge that observation influences both the observer and the observed and that creatively calling attention to patterns of behavior provides a space for changes in the interactions and patterns of relationships.

But I digress.

Let's look at that Average Day.  How many hours would you sleep?  Study?  Chill?  Was it hard to think of an average day because your days are so different?  Maybe weekdays are different from weekends because your brother is home from school.

Now I'd like for you to think about your Ideal Day.  What does it look like?  When would you sleep?  Study?  Chill?  Be with others?  Use this form to make notes about your ideal day.

And by ideal day, I don't mean an awesome day out with your friends or the schedule of your dream 21st birthday.  Just an ideal average day that goes just like you want it to from beginning to end.

How to Launch a Teen: Asking the Google

Google tries to decide what I'm looking for as I type in the phrase "how to launch a teen."  The search engine runs through its algorithms as a I press each letter on the keyboard:  how to a launder money is first to the top but is quickly replaced by how to launch a boat.  Once I've finished typing it in, I have a few hundred million hits, and most on the first page are about starting a business.  This is not what I had in mind.

I try again..."failure to launch."  Google gives me pages of sites reviewing the movie or selling the DVD.  I add  "young adults."  Now I have something promising:  a blog, supported by the John D. and Catherine T. MacArthur Foundation, which discusses the changing nature of young adulthood and a book sold by Amazon called "Emptying the Nest: Launching Your Young Adult toward Success and Self-Reliance."

The book's reviews indicate that it can teach parents to foster success and close family relationships as their young adult children confront obstacles and are tempted by detours in their transition from financial and emotional dependence to autonomy.  I buy it at the Sony Reader store.

While its downloading, I go back to the blog.  It has two posts.  Just two.  One is called "Why Do Twenty-Somethings Move Back Home?" and the other is titled "Failure to Launch or Launching Too Soon?" 

The first article looks at changes in the jobs market over the past 50 years.  It seems that it takes longer for young adults to become financially independent than it once did.  The second article presents research done at Penn State.  Only about 25%, or 1 in 4, 25-year-olds have a college degree.  Young adults who leave the family home quickly, the so-called "fast-starters" who get married or begin working full time at an earlier age, are more likely to get divorced and to hold low-level, low-paying jobs. 

I import the book into my Reader Library.  I quickly page through it.  The author is a psychologist and presents his ideas in the form of case studies, providing examples of potentially sticky situations and what not to say to the "launchee." 

I'll start reading it tonight.

Until then, think about your average day.  What does it look like?  When do you sleep?  When do you study?  What other things do you do and when do you do them?  Use this form to make notes about your average day. 

Life's Too Short to Read Bad Books: July 2011

Another installment of my take on books, so you don't have to slog through the bad ones:

Reading Turgenev
William Trevor

Mary Louise marries an older man to escape the boredom of her rural lifestyle.  To escape his ineptitude as a husband and the hatefulness of his sisters with whom they share a business and household, Mary Louise becomes increasingly enmeshed in a fantasy world built upon her childhood affections for a sickly cousin.  Trevor employs two alternating chronologies, one describing her increasing isolation and the other her return to a changed world.  This novel was short-listed for the Man Booker Prize, and the volume containing this novel and My House in Umbria (see below), entitled Two Lives, was named to the New York Times Editor's Choice list in 1991.  I rate it at 8 out of 10 stars.


My House in Umbria
William Trevor

On the surface, this novel tells the story of the recuperation of four victims of a terrorist attack:  a retired British general, a young German man, an American child, and the owner of a house in Umbria.  Lurking beneath, as in all of our lives, are the stories we tell--to ourselves, of ourselves--that combine to produce a reality not always grounded in fact.  I rate this delicately layered book at 8 out of 10 stars. 


The Blue
Mary McCallum

This is a gem of a novel. Part adventure, part domestic drama, part romance. The characters are caught between land and sea, between world wars, between love and duty.  9 out of 10 stars


Last Lessons of Summer
Margaret Maron

A disappointing stand-alone by Maron. I thought she captured the spirit of the large Southern family and their gatherings, but the female characters were a bit insipid. 4 out of 10 stars


Over Tumbled Graves
Jess Walter

A sprawling police procedural. Could have, should have, been tighter.  4 out of 10 stars


Where I'm Calling From
Raymond Carver

I can only muster 5 of 10 stars for this collection of short stories. It felt like the same story, the same character, over and over and over again, superficial examinations of alcohol abuse and turning points in relationships. I enjoyed the recent stories, written in the 1980s, more than the earlier works.

The Innkeeper's Song
Peter S. Beagle

This standard fantasy fare is complete with warring wizards, some shapeshifting, and journeys into an abstrusely described alternate world/ reality. Beagle's use of language, however, is gorgeous: from the comic turn-of-phrase ("He always sighed like that to inform his students that their answers to his last question had shortened his life by a measurable degree and filled his few remaining days with quiet despair.") to Lal's full name, which I wanted to say aloud every time it appeared on the page (Lalkhamsin-khamsolal). But, because I fell asleep 10 times while trying to read the last 50 pages, I can only rate this book at 6 out of 10 stars.


The Last Child
John Hart

This mystery was the 2010 winner of the Edgar Award. Hart throws the reader a tangle of unpleasantness and proceeds to unravel the various loops and knots in unexpected yet satisfying ways. I rate it at 8 out of 10 stars.


American Wife
Curtis Sittenfield

In this fictional autobiography, Alice Blackwell wants us to believe that she is a good person, that the mistakes and missteps of her life were a matter of circumstance, a byproduct of her ideals concerning self and family. In an effort to assure the reader of her honesty, she provides detailed descriptions of her sexual encounters and the crudity she tolerates in those around her. But why provide an autobiography if she truly believes her motivations to be private? "No one's true self was the business of more than a very small number of family members or close friends." Her simultaneous capacity for both justifying her behavior and deceiving herself regarding the consequences of her inaction are the defining aspects of Alice's personality. "There was rarely anything I wanted more than I didn't want to keep fighting."

What makes Alice interesting and tolerable as a fictional character is that her husband becomes President of the United States. She says of her husband, "He seemed to be someone who found his own flaws endearing and thus concealed nothing." Alice could say just the opposite of herself. I rate this Booklist Editors' Choice selection at 6 of 10 stars.


In Plain Sight
C. J. Box

The matriarch of the Scarlett family disappears, and the residents of Twelve Sleep County are forced to choose sides as her sons begin a battle of succession. In the meantime, game warden Joe Pickett and his family are the target of an escalating series of threatening acts. While the source of these entwined situations are well-telegraphed, I found the climax, including Box's incorporation of nature's fury, to be thrilling and suspenseful. I rate this 2006 Library Journal Best Book at 7 of 10 stars.


The Potter's Field
Ellis Peters

I'm not sure how this series has managed to stay off my radar for so many years. There are 20 entries in the Cadfael Chronicles, and some of them have been adapted into a TV series by the BBC. The Potter's Field is the 17th in the series and can be read as a stand-alone. Brother Cadfael, herbalist and Benedictine monk, assists his friend Sheriff Hugh's investigation when a woman's skeleton is unearthed on a piece of land that has been acquired by Shrewsbury Abbey. The language is important to the atmosphere of the book, as in this passage: "He heard the change in their tread as they emerged upon the solid ground of the Foregate, and saw as it were an agitation of the darkness, movement without form, even before faint glints of lambent light on steel gave shape to their harness and brought them human out of the obscurity."

The series takes place against the backdrop of the struggle between King Stephen and Empress Maud as well as the Crusades, from 1135-1150. The attention given to this historic period would emerge as an influence in Cadfael's life if the series were read in order. I rate this installment at 7 of 10 stars.

Life's Too Short to Read Bad Books: June 2011

There are a lot of books to choose from this month as I found two challenge groups on Library Thing.

The Dead
Ingrid Black

Ex-FBI Special Agent Saxon works as a consultant for the Dublin Metropolitan Police when a serial killer she researched for a book appears to have returned after a 5 year hiatus. There was enough misdirection to keep me guessing right up to the end.

As my DH knows, I am a sucker for female investigators, and Black's Saxon is no exception. She is sarcastic, short-tempered, and single-minded. First-person narration provides delightful insights into her snarky personality:

I'd never liked him, and he knew it, probably because I'd failed on every occasion we'd ever met to get to the end of the conversation without pointedly reminding him of the fact. I just felt that he was the kind of person who might benefit one day from being repeatedly told that he was unlikeable. It hadn't had the desired effect so far, but I lived in hope.

And:

What I had left of good sense told me I should wait till I heard from Fisher -- but I told what I had left of good sense to go to hell.

And Black's writing has its wonderful moments:

I waited as he set to, stabbing fussily at the eggs like some ancestral hunting memory had flashed into his mind and he was worried lest they make a break for freedom before he could free his spear.

On the other hand, and here I am the snarky one, all of the American characters in the book use the word "whilst" instead of "while." For the past 8 years I've lived in a country where English still belongs to the Queen, and I can't bring myself to say "whilst." Every occurrence grated.

I rate this largely enjoyable 2005 Shamus Award winner at 7 of 10 stars.


Hit and Run
Lawrence Block

Hit man J. P. Keller is framed for a political assassination. Even worse, he loses his best friend and his stamp collection. He takes to the road to avoid arrest and, in the process, finds true love and a latent talent.  I rate this Spinetingler Award nominee at 7 out of 10 stars.


The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
Robert Louis Stevenson

I last read this book for a university assignment and visited it again for a Library Thing reading challenge.  On this reading, I did not enjoy the style and structure nearly as much as previously.  But I come away considering the imprint this work has had on our society.  I am struck by its origins in a dream and its historical position as a precursor to Sigmund Freud's conceptualization of unconscious, socially unacceptable urges as drives of the id.  And I consider Stevenson's warning as, in this century, we embrace an ever-increasing pace of scientific and technological advancement:

But the temptation of a discovery so singular and profound at last overcame the suggestions of alarm.

I will maintain my previous rating of 8 out of 10 stars, not for reading pleasure or literary structure, but as acknowledgment of its continuing legacy and provocative portrait of man's duality.


The Final Solution
Michael Chabon

An unnamed, retired, pipe-smoking, beekeeper is engaged by local police to investigate a murder at a Sussex Downs vicarage.   The murder coincides with the theft of an African grey parrot from a young Jewish orphan, and it is this crime on which the beekeeper agrees  to apply his formidable, yet failing, powers of observation and deduction.  Chabon's descriptions of the old man's episodes of blankness are horrific:

The conquest of his mind by age was not a mere blunting or slowing but an erasure, as of a desert capital by a drifting millennium of sand.  Time had bleached away the ornate pattern of his intellect, leaving a blank white scrap.

Yet there is also humor, particularly in the single chapter told from the point of view of Bruno the parrot, driving his kidnapper mad through the application of sleep deprivation techniques.

While some questions are answered for the characters of this book, greater mysteries are left for the reader to ponder, unpunished crimes reduced to numbers whispered by a young boy and his parrot.  I rate this novella, filled with exceptional descriptive narrative, at 8 out of 10 stars.

[Aside:  The author helped me put a name to a phobia of mine, or at least its cousin:  gephyrophobia is the morbid fear of crossing bridges; I am afraid of those roller-coaster-like, curving overpasses at the apex of which, hood of car pointed toward the sky, the horizon is no longer visible.]


Flaubert's Parrot
Julian Barnes

This novel tries to be, and is, many things:  an exploration of the relationship between writer and reader; a treatise on postmodern life; a view of history as reflections in a rippling pond; a story about the displacement of grief in intellectual exercise.  While ultimately I appreciate the fractured presentation, I found this Booker Prize nominee and New York Times Editors' Choice to be a difficult and unsatisfying read.  I rate it at 6 out of 10 stars.


Pygmy
Chuck Palahniuk

The anti-hero whose name we never learn, but who is referred to by his American host family and school mates as "Pygmy", arrives in the US on a mission of destruction. The novel is structured as a series of dispatches back to Pygmy's unnamed totalitarian country of origin and are written in an initially humorous yet ultimately tedious pidgin English. Pygmy's language doesn't improve after months in America, but I got more adept at reading it. A taste:

Calibrated tasks assigned to destroy all self-esteem. For official example,

purpose lesson titled "Junior Swing Choir" many potential brilliant youth compelled sing song depicting precipitate remain pummel head of operative me. Complain how both feet too large size for sleeping mattress. Idiot nonsense song. Next sing how past visited arid landscape aboard equine of no title.

Satirical jabs at American culture are interlaced with disturbing scenes of violence and sex, making this book definitely off-limits for the squeamish and faint-hearted. I rate this novel, which probably served as source material for the 2010 terror-baby conspiracy, at 5 out of 10 stars.


Cross Bones
Kathy Reichs

Juvenile diaglog, flat characterization, and poor plotting sum up this murder mystery.  The book follows forensic anthropologist Tempe Brennan and her ever-so-dreamy romantic and professional partner from Montreal to Israel.  They are on the hunt for both a murder suspect as well as the identity of a set of 1st-century skeletal remains discovered at Masada.  In this latter mystery, Reichs rather unsuccessfully explores the clash between religious foundations and scientific discovery.  It's been years since I read an installment of the Temperance Brennan novels, and perhaps I've become spoiled by my enjoyment of the the TV series Bones.  I rate this book at 3 out of 10 stars.


Wash This Blood Clean From My Hand
Fred Vargas

This is an author with numerous entries on my to-be-read list.  As I write this review on the first novel I read, I am deeply involved in a second.  Fred Vargas' crime fiction seems to be written as mythology:  killer as fantastical beast and the members of the Serious Crime Squad as a pantheon of eccentric, flawed gods.  She builds these characters with care:

Where the names came from, Adamsberg did not know, but probably from Danglard, whose encyclopedic knowledge seems to him sometimes to be unlimited and almost toxic.  The capitaine was capable of sudden outbursts of information, as frequent as they were uncontrollable, rather like the snorting of a horse.

In this novel, Commissaire Adamsberg's personal quest for a serial killer he has named Trident threatens his career and his freedom.  I rate this winner of the CWA International Dagger Award at 8 out 10 stars.


This Night's Foul Work
Fred Vargas

In this installment of Fred Vargas' crime series featuring Commissaire Adamsberg, there is a new member of the Serious Crime Squad: a man who often speaks in twelve-syllable alexandrine verse. Adamsberg's unorthodox hunt for a dissociative serial killer produces rifts between the squad's positivists and the cloud-shovellers who maintain faith in his willingness to incorporate seeming coincidences into the investigation. Backed by a variety of characters serving as Greek chorus, this novel finds Adamsberg hauling around a pair of 10-point antlers, confronting childhood vulnerabilities, and following around a cat tagged with a tracking device. He also takes time out to read to his infant son, as in the following passage:

Adamsberg put the book down, meeting his son's gaze.

"I don't know what the hell the 'opus spicutum' is, son, and I don't care.
So we can agree about that. But I'm going to teach you how we resolve a problem like this when it crops up in our lives. How to proceed when you don't understand something. Just watch."

Adamsberg took out his mobile and slowly tapped out a number under the child's unconcerned eyes.

"What you do is you call Danglard," he explained. "It's quite simple. Just remember that, always keep his phone number about you."

I rate this novel at 8 out of 10 stars.


Away
Amy Bloom

This little book's entry on my To-Be-Read list had no indication of having received awards or nominations by its title (although it did ), no notation of it being on anyone's list of best books in 2007 (although it was).  No, the entry contained only two words -- "Buy It!"   As I sped through the story of Lillian's road trip, from Russia to New York to Seattle to Alaska, I knew I would want to return, soon, for the luscious language, the engaging wit, the heart-rending story, the twin markers of despair and hope that mark her way.  I have two words for you:  Buy It!  Absolutely 10 out of 10 stars.


Bangkok 8
John Burdett

Detective Sonchai Jitpleecheep is the son of whore, the only honest cop in Thailand, and a Buddhist saint in this lifetime. A police procedural unlike any I have read before, Bangkok 8 begins when Jitpleecheep's partner is bitten in the eye by a meth-crazed python. The search for those responsible leads the reader through an atmospheric portrayal of Bangkok, Buddhist philosophy, and a biting social critique of the impact of globalization on Eastern culture. I rate this New York Times Notable Book of 2003 at 7 out of 10 stars: it isn't a great book, but I found it transporting and very entertaining.


L'Affaire
Diane Johnson

Amy finds herself wealthy after her dotcom company sells, and she sets off for France for a course of self-improvement. While at a ski resort in the Alps, an avalanche puts two fellow guests in the hospital. Adrian, who is married to Kerry, is not expected to survive his injuries. Amy befriends Kerry's 14-year-old brother Kip as he shoulders responsibility for his infant half-brother Harry. Soon other of Adrian's offspring appear: Rupert, who is content to ski; Posy, who falls into bed Emile, husband of Victoire, a sister she didn't know she had. Insipid and superficial, I rate this New York Times Notable Book of 2003 at 3 out of 10 stars.