Anticipating the Launch

I stand on the back porch looking up at the southern stars, watching lazy traces of comet dust flaring across the sky.  I remember the singular appearance of Haley's Comet in my lifetime, the year my Nana died.  I ponder the content of a life, singular events in context.  The dog alternately paces, then sits, then paces beside me, waiting for another flash of a laser pointer. 

I listen to the distant rhythmic surf.  There is no wind, and so on this night the sound travels to my ear from the more distant and rocky Cable Bay rather than sandy Taipa Beach.  I have lately been overcome, weeping silently day after day, projecting forward past another singular event rushing up to meet me, my daughter leaving for university.  Dialectical synthesis eludes me, wondering how I will bear her departure yet also knowing that I will.

An owl calls, another responds, my ears triangulate their approximate positions.  The dog paces, sits.  Another meteor trails across the sky.  Why do I not bring her out with me to share it with me?  Have there been, can there ever be, enough walks, talks, moments spent together on the back porch watching bits of comet tail burn in the atmosphere? 

Is this the loss I anticipate?  That I will not be able to casually access her lambent presence?  My opportunities for a goodnight hug, an after-dinner movie, a conversation about the day just past or the day to come, will be limited.  To this point in our lives, she has been as available to me as a sky strewn with stars, occluded only by an occasional and impermanent veil of clouds.  But the future --  our future interactions will be akin to these falling stars, fiery traces of star dust.

American Elections 2012: The Day After Tomorrow

To all my online friends and family from the US, the election is over. Whether the results leave you overjoyed, angry, fearful, dumb-founded, or deeply relieved, that distraction is in the past. We occupy a moment of choice in shaping our nation's future identity. Today, and perhaps tomorrow, is a time for reflection. But what will we be doing the day after tomorrow? Will we turn from the abyss before us, turn toward one another? Will we undertake to identify and leverage, for the good of the nation, points of common ground across all aspects of society, at all levels of government? Or will we continue to grow apart, to revel in divisive politics, to wander into another secession crisis or civil war? 

I'll let you know the day after tomorrow.

How to Launch a Teen: Worry

Planning is productive, worrying is not.  Worry is never useful.  Worry does not prepare you for future challenges or potential disappointment.  Instead, worry activates the reptilian brain.  Unless you are in immediate physical danger, triggering the fight-or-flight response through worry results in prolonged, distracting, and physically exhausting levels of anxiety.

So just don't worry, right?  Trying not to worry actually makes it worse.  Attempts at distraction or self-directives to avoid certain thoughts can actually make those thoughts more accessible, more frequent, than doing nothing.  Harvard University psychologist Dan Wegner calls these paradoxical responses ironic processing, and his research suggests that stress or depression can intensify the effects of ironic processing.  This means that the more stressed or depressed you feel, the more likely trying not to worry will increase your levels of worry, just at a time when you don't need it.

One of the most effective techniques I have used to help others break their worry habit is the use of scheduled worry time.  Worrying is only allowed during a specific period of time each day.  All worries that occur during the day must be stowed away and not examined until worry time.  Then all the worries of the day are recorded and examined.  Worries that can be addressed through an action plan are identified and plans are made to deal with them.

I believe you also have a book on your shelves called The Worry Cure:  Seven Steps to Stop Worry from Stopping You.  Robert Leahy and I disagree that some worry is productive.  What he calls productive worry I maintain is part of the planning process.  But he does make excellent points about the use of worry to avoid unpleasant emotions and provides a plan for accepting uncertainty and challenging worried thinking.

How to Launch a Teen: A Plan for University

I worked some more on the Five Year Plan for my goal Provide Sarah with whatever assistance I can to help her reach her career goals.  Interestingly, what I ended up with was part of a Five Year Plan for you.  The plan is a list of some of the things you could choose to do that I think I can help you with in some way.  

Following this plan, you would spend the next five years refining your knowledge base and skill set for entry into the career of your choice, with the selection of that career being part of the goal. 

Year 1	Oct 2011 – Oct 2012
	Research	Career tests Careers Degree programs Universities Scholarships Finances Best first job
	Decisions	Year 13 courses Degree program University
	Action List	Maintain and strengthen support relationships Residence visa in US passport Dual student enrolment Level 2 exams IRD application Take career tests Job search (volunteer, PT, internships) Year 13 University visits Identify referees University applications Scholarship applications

Year 2	Oct 2012 – Oct 2013
	Research	Housing Jobs Scholarships
	Decisions	Best summer job Papers for next year
	Action List	Maintain and strengthen support relationships Level 3 exams Find student housing Buy what you need Moving Year 1 at University Selection of study groups, organizations, workshops, conferences, etc. Scholarship applications PT job Review plan

Year 3	Oct 2013 – Oct 2014
	Research	Housing Jobs Scholarships
	Decisions	Best summer job Papers for next year
	Action List	Maintain and strengthen support relationships Different housing? Year 2 at University PT job Scholarship applications Review plan

Year 4	Oct 2014– Oct 2015
	Research	Housing Jobs Career tests Graduate / professional programs Universities Scholarships
	Decisions	Career Post-graduate program
	Action List	Maintain and strengthen support relationships Different housing? Year 3 at University PT job Graduate / professional school applications Scholarship applications Review plan

Year 5	Oct 2015– Oct 2016
	Research	Housing Jobs
	Decisions	Continue school or begin career
	Action List	Maintain and strengthen support relationships Different housing? PT job / internship Year 4 at university New plan

I have rarely set formal goals in my life that were so dependent on collaboration with another person.  It feels odd.  

As always, your feedback and suggestions are encouraged and appreciated . 

How to Launch a Teen: What Came Before

Researchers have identified interesting relationships between the educational achievements of young people and those of their parents. 

• High school students whose parents achieved a university degree are more likely to plan to university themselves (97% versus 86%). 
• High school students whose parents achieved a university degree are morely likely to actually enroll at a 4-year college (87% versus 65%).
• High school students whose parents achieved a university degree are more likely to remain at university after the first year of study (23% versus 10%).
• High school students whose parents achieved a university degree are more likely to remain at university after 3 years of study (83% whose parents had advanced degrees and 67% whose parents had a bachelor's degree versus 52% of those whose parents did not go to college).
• Five years after leaving high school, those whose parents had university degrees were more likely to have university degrees themselves.
• Students whose parents did not have university degrees are less likely to enter graduate school or a professional degree program (34% versus 25%).

Parents who have a university degree are more likely to expect their children to attend university.  These parents are involved in their children's course selection during high school and enlist school support in preparing their children academically for university study.  Another factor that contributes to more children of university-educated parents also attending university is the assistance with planning these young people receive, including assistance with applications and school visits.

How to Launch a Teen: From Goals to Plans

I haven't transferred the actions from yesterday's brainstorming session on to index cards, but I have chunked them into some categories.  There are ongoing areas of impact, particularly around career development and relationships...ours, your relationship with your dad, your career-related network.  Some of the things I put in the Ongoing category are ideas that I have that may be different from yours, and I have to remember that my goal is to provide whatever assistance I can.  The choice to accept that assistance is yours.

• Be alert for and intervene when the goal is obstructed by inflexible thinking
• Be alert for and intervene when the goal is obstructed by relationship issues
• Be alert for and respectful of honest differences of opinion
• Career development
• Looking for a job
• Identifying desirable work environments
• Expand skill set and experience
• Narrow career focus
• Volunteer work
• Internships
• Have discussions about
• Interdependence
• Making the most of your university experience

There will be ample opportunities for Research in the pursuit of this goal.  I am quite sure that this is a superficial list and we will add to it often. 

• Identify online career tests
• Info on top career choices
• Identify and interview people working in these jobs
• Info on university programs
• Visit universities
• How much will it cost?
• How many hours will you be able to work and keep up your studies?
• How much financial support will you need?
• How much financial support can we provide?
• Identify scholarships

Another category of actions relate to the guidelines and suggestions I can provide you for your own self-reflective activities.  This is a period in your life when you have to make a lot of decisions.  Like your goals, there are reasons to change your mind, so be gentle with yourself if you do.  The anxiety associated with making decisions can be managed.  I can help you with that as well.  Here are some items I have included in the Self-Reflection category:

• Take career tests
• Decision making:  degree
• Decision making:  university
• Examine working environments, fit with personality, changes you are willing to make to pursue a particular career
• Decision making:  career options (to be ruled out through networking, PT work, volunteering, and internships)

And there are the immediate concerns in the College-to-University Transition:

• Level 2 exams
• 2012 enrollment as dual student
• Identify referees
• Write entrance essays
• Submit university applications
• Submit scholarship applications
• Get you moved

There is a lot of overlap.  The look of this will change a bit, and it will become even more organized, as I put this in the format of a Five Year Plan.

Feedback and suggestions are encouraged and appreciated.

Love,
Mom

How to Launch a Teen: What to Study

Recap:  Thinking about what you want your life to be, in the long term, helps identity goals that can be accomplished in the next five years.  Long-term goals can be broad and should cover as many aspects of life that are important to you.  Shorter term goals, like those in a Five-Year-Plan, should be defined as specifically as possible.  I identified one of the goals in my Five-Year-Plan as Provide Sarah with whatever assistance I can to help her reach her career goals.

30 minute brainstorming session as I ask myself the question What has to happen in order for the goal to be reached? begins now:

This is an action-based goal focusing on providing career-related assistance to you in support of your goals.  It will require me to be flexible given the likelihood that you will change your mind.  (Stats on changing programs?)  But it seems the first thing that has to happen is for you to get a clearer idea in your head of what you want to do.  I am a bit concerned that selecting a specific focus too early in the process will limit your opportunities for the perspective-stretching experiences that university study can provoke (a focus too much on the end at the expense of the journey).

Anyway, to help you clarify your own career goals, I think we need to look at several online career tests, followed by research into the top 10-20 suggested by the results.  Talk to people who do these jobs.  Think about what they require and how that fits with your idea of yourself.  [10 mins] Where there are differences, what are you willing to do to change that idea of yourself to pursue a particular career.  Volunteer work or short internships are helpful, especially to help you evaluate the work environment.  As an adult, you will spend at least as much time working as you do sleeping.   How would it feel to spend that much time with the people in these work environments?

So, identify and research.  Then it's decision making time.  I have an earlier blog post on this.

It's obvious that this is a process, a series of steps that could take several years.  It may be 4 years before you make a final, specific, career decision. 

But before then, you do have to decide on a degree program at university.  I am going to recommend the most flexible and wide-reaching course of study possible in the two areas that interest you most.  Everything is connected.

Then you have to pick a school that offers the papers that most interest you.  More research.  Possibly entrance essays to be written, certainly applications to be submitted, identify teachers and others for references.  .

All of these are points at which I know how to find the information and can act as a guide because I have been there before so many times.

I have to maintain a relationship with you that makes it easy, in fact seems natural, for you to trust me as a resource.

There has to be research on how much it will cost you to live away from home.  How much financial support you will need and how much of it we can provide?  How many hours will you be able to work and keep up your studies?  We will want to identify scholarships and submit those applications.  Here we are looking at really short-term (over the next year) actions that must be completed. [20 mins]

And while all of this is going on, you have your last year at college.  Then we have to get you moved.  What will you need?  What help will you want as you look for a job?  Can you fit in volunteer work for experience that can help narrow your career focus and provide references for possible future internships?

Now I'm focusing too much on you and not on what I can do.  What do I want to accomplish?  I want to help you understand that interdependence is useful, and that you can count on me to do what is reasonable and within my skill set to help you in your career goals (and anything else).  Who will I need to involve?  If you don't want or respect or give consideration to my input, I can't support you at all.  So we have to have a certain relationship for this to be possible.  I also have to involve your dad since he is the money man.  Where?  Don't know yet.  What is essential?  Selecting a course of study, applications, continued good efforts at college next year.  For me, supporting our evolving relationship as you mature.

How will I know we get there?  Well, in five years you would have an undergraduate degree and be finishing an honours degree or a professional certificate or halfway through a masters degree. [30 mins]